Day -27

No.

I will not add that extra week onto the countdown. Sure, I might be submitting two weeks after the date I set, but I am determined to have it ready in 27 days and have two weeks to make it look nice etc. 

I don’t have that much more to do. My supervisor has taken into account the fact I have a life and that I prioritise family over work. It is really not the done thing these days if you want to be taken seriously, but when was I ever taken seriously? That and I just awoke from a nightmare where I was dead and I still hadn’t finished the project. The dream was more involved but essentially it told me a few things:

1) I really want this project to be over and get my degree. 

2)It doesn’t matter that I’ve never really had a real career. 

3)it also doesn’t matter that I am living in outer suburbia where nothing happens and job prospects are seemingly few.

4)I am not one of those women who can multitask and mother plus have a real job. 

5)it’s okay that I don’t really have a thing. Staying alive is my thing. You’d think having nearly died a few times would put things into perspective.

So I’m not going to keep questioning why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m going to stop playing the sliding doors game. Here are the things I didn’t do and possibly should have:

1) been more responsible with money

2) taken study and  work more seriously

3) seen a therapist at an earlier age

4) not blown my savings on travel

But this is all in light of having a kid and school zones. That’s  what makes me feel that I have stuffed up in some way. I only feel this way because I had an illness that has taken seven years to recover from and left me with some  disability in terms of physical stamina. 

I’ve done okay considering. I managed  to achieve the goal I set for myself before I got sick  in terms of being in a position where I can work in a decent casual position at an university. I achieved that within a couple of years of the transplant and am only not working at the moment because I want to finish the thesis asap.

Maybe nothing ever feels legit once I achieve it because I don’t take myself seriously. I know someone who sells water  with a few droplets of essential oils and makes a decent living off that b.s. – not to people who want to use organic cleaners just get a bottle of eucalyptus oil from chemist warehouse and a spray bottle. Fill spray bottle with water. Put some oil in bottle. It’s more effective than the bs being sold to stay at home mothers for hundreds of $$$

I’ll probably regret posting this when I wake up later this morning. 

I had a chat with a friend who is doing what I’m doing, ie attempting to do things earnestly for a change. She also was a let’s just fly by the seat of my pants type when she was younger and did enough to get by. We spoke about how we have both been paralysed by fear of failure. It’s so hard overcoming that fixed mindset.

Goodness. It’s nearly 5am. I need  to get some sleep. I had the idea to just rewrite the chapter I just got feedback for, but I think sleep is more important.

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Day -37

Yep I’ve added another two weeks.

My main supervisor is away and wants to read the whole thing once more before submission. At first I was all disheartened because I still have another few obstacles to overcome but when I think about it, it’s probably better to just take my foot off the accelerator and have a more leisurely stroll towards completion. So:

Rewrite chapter 6

Rewrite chapter 3

Rewrite first and second half

Submit to supervisor 2

Rewrite

Submit to both supervisors

Final edit
So that’s around one milestone per week.

I have a child to raise at the same time. 

Day -28

Submitted final rewrite minus one paragraph. I am not sure what to write in the last paragraph.

I still have to rewrite the methods chapter before going back to look through the entire thesis again. 

But the main thing is I am still on schedule. 

I can’t wait till this is over.

People ask me then what? Does it improve my job prospects? Maybe if I lived in a big city but here?  Who knows. I just have to finish it first and then reassess what the hell I am doing. 

Day -29

Almost 3k written of final chapter. I need to sleep on wider applications and implications section. I also need to do an edit tomorrow morning, print out, edit and rewrite before submitting it for review. 

What I’ve learnt from this experience is that it will always be hard sitting down to do something that is not pleasurable, and subjecting yourself to judgement. This is because of a mindset that was fixed years ago and it’s taken a lot of hard work to let go of that ego and give things a go even if the result is less than perfect. I’m really glad I went through this because it gives me more insight into how I can help my son with his perfectionisic trndencies.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the second week of school holidays. I will have less time to work on the project now that hubby is back at work.

29 days to go.

Day -31

Yes! That last chapter was ok. Plodding along. I need to clear my mind. I have been organising insurance claims for elderly parents and have had to deal with some really incompetent receptionists. They must have gotten their jobs during the mining boom. Why would someone tell off someone for not returning a 730am call straight away? I wasn’t in the mood for that kind of b.s. 

Day -32: one more chapter rewrite to go!

Submitted a chapter of around 2750 words and deleted words from Chapter 3 as I was being repetitive. Flu still not cleared. Feel a but blerghhh but I will plod on tomorrow as I have child care. It’s been quite rare during this degree to get uninterrupted stretches of writing time. I think my family realise I will go off the deep end if no one takes what I do outside of my carer/home duty roles seriously.

I haven’t cooked since I came down with the flu a week ago. 

Tomorrow I plod on with stating the bleeding obvious. My supervisor says that it only appears obvious to me because I have had this in my head for years. Let’s hope so. 

I probably could make my sentences more fluent and paragraphs better structured but I just need to move on. 

My goal tomorrow is to write 1000 words of the final 2750 words 

Day -33

1500 words 

I need another 1000-1500 today.

Then I am submitting the findings chapter.

I will put discussions and conclusions in the last chapter. Maybe I’ll move the discussion back to this chapter but after a week + of the flu, I just want to submit something.

I still felt rather rotten yesterday but pushed on because anxiety over doing nothing felt worse than the post-viral cough.

I need to eat something more tasty today. It’s been a week since I’ve cooked myself something decent to eat. I miss my custom made flavours. 

As for music – the reason I started this blog, I have had no time at all. I’ve been just messing around a little on the keyboard and that’s about it.

I am picturing the end of this thesis… just imagining how great it will feel to not have to do it and have time to do something else. Now that I’m better it doesn’t feel too hard to finish it but during the flu it felt as if I was wasting my time.

Going to power in today. Submit something this afternoon and keep going. 

Day -34 

Still fluey. 

Brain not functioning. I am so tired. 

I wrote 1000 words of findings and discussion chapter. Does it make sense? I’m not sure. I don’t even know what I am writing. I am panicking a bit. What if I have just wasted all this time on a project that has no point and is using the wrong theory. 

Day -36 Planning

I’m out of bed.

I no longer feel awful just weak and drowsy so I’m not going to push myself to write. My brain feels like mush. In one of my delirious dream states yesterday I had the subtitles of my next chapter. Unfortunately, I was too tired to get up to write it down so I’ve completely forgotten what came to me as I was dozing. If only I could capture the thoughts I have in that in between state.

So the plan is this

1) today come up with headings and subheadings for theme 1 and 2

2) keep writing tomorrow and Tuesday and Wednesday

3) submit whatever it is that I have by Wednesday 5pm. The deadline was originally tomorrow but there’s no way I can make that deadline. 

Back to bed. 

Day -36  I hate Facebook 

I have the flu so I’m looking up countries on the democracy index.  Why? Because I need to get off FB. It’s such an unhealthy space yet I am always drawn back in when I am incapacitated. I mean why do I need to challenge someone’s 19th century view on race and point out that their ideas on race and intelligence are similar to Nazi views which were based on the “science” of Gobineau and the “science” of phrenology. 

I’ve been so good with staying off social media and just plodding along with the thesis like a good little tortoise, but this flu has definitely sidelined me. My ears hurt. I’ve always had a weakness in my right ear. It’s partly why I’m partially deaf, but I don’t want to think about it. Instead, I will in my fevered state present the summary of this morning’s activities. 

So this is my flu period resolution, I will stay off FB. 
https://infographics.economist.com/2017/DemocracyIndex/

The US (7.98)is a “flawed democracy” at the moment. Singapore (6.38) has moved up (or down depending on your politics) from hybrid regime to flawed democracy. China (3.14)is still an authoritarian state but less so than it was and Russia (3.24)moved from hybrid regime to authoritarian state. Australia (9.01) is still a full democracy for now. Ireland (9.14) is more of a full democracy than the UK(not stats for the uk), France (7.92 – flawed) and Germany (8.63). But lower than NZ (9.26) which is higher than Denmark (9.20). North Korea (1.08) hasn’t changed its position. 
 The aliens say, “oh humans, what diversity there is amongst your species ! How strange it is that you can obliterate each other but not the flu virus. Come sacrifice your least favourite neighbours and we will offer you a panacea for all the ills of the world. Ok maybe not that but if you allow us to randomly choose one of your fB friends to fuel our bio (human scraps) engine space ship back home we will eradicate the flu virus!” To which I said…
(To be continued ;p)