Day 0 Yes!!!!!!!!!!

Woohoo.

That’s it for now.

I have a couple of weeks to relax while awaiting feedback. It’s way too long and the last chapter isn’t as succinct as I would like it to be, but it is DONE! Yeah! I thoroughly recommend this countdown method. 

I’ve managed to achieve two goals doing it this way. I’m not going to reset the clock for the final submission until I meet with supervisors. 

I think I’m still 5-8 k over and that’s after putting so many words in the footnotes. But there is no way I will upgrade this project to a PhD as that’s another level and I want to move on.

I will work on my graphics and write the front section and the bridge. I can’t believe I spent two weeks writing my honours (supposedly f/t) project and three years (part time) on this one.  

Still got more to do but I am so happy to have completed this mostly accurately referenced and formatted near complete draft. 

Yahhh 

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Day -14 (-2)

I’m trying to finish this last damn chapter within the next two days so I can get it to one of my supervisors before her leave. Arghhhhh

I am going mad.

It’s like I am staying the obvious and when I read some academic text I think why, why are you complicating a simple concept with so many unnecessary words? and also why can’t I make up some words? 

I read a chapter from Obama’s memoir, the one he wrote before he became President and thought, wow. The American people have gone from someone who writes literary texts to one who tweets muddled messages. 

Day -15

Okay so minor edits in one chapter and bigger ones in another.

Tired.

Tomorrow is the only day of the week I can work a whole day.

The weather was bad today. Climate change.

Yawn.

Revelation – I don’t want to play in a community music group. My hearing is so bad, just playing at home is fine. I can control the volume.

Yawn.

I hope it’s warmer tomorrow.

I can’t wait until I get a chance to read books that are unrelated to my research. 

Day -20 formatting 

Arghhh Word! Why is there no alternative?

I printed out the thesis draft and yeah that felt good, but the formatting!

1) footnote lines inconsistent

2)word just randomly added grey lines throughout my document 

3)content page looks bad. I should have done it manually

My drafts were fine but cut and pasting it all into one document means I’ve lost some of my formatting. I think some of the issues are linked to using both a mac and pc, and three different words. I’m going to have to use the newer PC version. 

Day -20 formatting 

I did too much housework this morning and didn’t get to work until 11. My brain wasn’t switched on.

I formatted my thesis. There are some issues with my heading fields but I’ll work on that later. I also created some smart art. Tomorrow I’m going to do some off line edits. 

Still on track – just. 

Day -21 what a difference a day makes 

And sleep, which I must get to now lest I end up cranky tomorrow.

I only have one more chapter to rewrite. It doesn’t need as extensive a facelift than the one I just completed. I’m going to spend tomorrow going back to the first part of thesis before starting the final (for now) chapter rewrite. 

I’m so hungry. I could do with a bowl of pho but I live a fair distance from a decent Vietnamese cafe. I am tempted to head into the city for food but I must keep going.

The plan is to submit this draft asap. Then I’ll get some time off before the final rewrite. I’ll need to hit a pause on the countdown clock when I submit the entire draft because I need to allow my supervisors time to read through it.

I really hope I don’t have to do massive rewrites. 

But I guess by the time I get the feedback I will have had a couple of weeks off. 

Day -22 school refusal again 

No writing today.

http://www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html

Yep. Dementing older parents, kids, under employment, life’s trajectory not following Hollywood Disney endings, acceptance of the random and tensions between knowing none of this really matters, with needing to survive in rat race where one is defined by status, lack of autonomy. I just need to get away by myself somewhere and soon. 

Day -23

I can do this. 

I have some momentum going but it means that I’m not available to anyone except the kid. I have 1.5 chapters to rewrite and reference. Although the referencing is tedious, it is a good way to begin the day because I have to double check the details and in doing so I skim the article or section of the article. 

I’m still over the word limit and on some pages I have 2/3 of the page filled with footnotes.

The plan tomorrow is to finish writing and referencing methods and move onto that final chapter where I tie the threads together. 

I’m not going to worry about the creative component until I finish this damn section. In fact, I’ll submit the draft before I edit the creative section. I just need that sense of semi-completion. 

I will need to rewrite the whole thing after both supervisors look at it. I will have to allow them a few weeks to look through it. I have very good supervisors. 

I’m not going to think beyond each task. The big picture does not matter at this stage. The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time – gross 🙂 

Day -24

Friends, I keep forgetting you guys can follow this blog and you know what’s been going on here. Not a lot! 

I had a dream last night that told me not to do rusty orchestra again. It’s my hearing loss. It causes me a lot of anxiety and playing in a orchestra just makes things worse. Also, I stumbled across an article in which Ghassan Hage, an academic who writes about race and multiculturalism, uses the concepts I am using to discuss his deafness in an authoethnographic piece! The way to cope with it is not to think about it until it becomes a real problem. 

Okay so the thesis. I’ve spent the past few days checking references and realising that in using the autho-date system I am wasting words. Arghhh but I refuse to go back and change it to footnotes system because I have spent hours or rather days entering references manually. I will just have to footnote and reword massive chunks of the thesis. If I ever do this again I am using the footnotes system.

Other aspects of life, other than basic needs and parenting, are on hold until this damn thing is finished.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this degree other than look at it and think hey, you did it! 

More about my theory on why some people are not that ambitious and others are later.

What to do? I’ll ask my supervisor. I keep forgetting that she is a teacher. I keep forgetting teachers teach and guide.

Oh dear, I’ve missed the last window of calm. Everyone is up. 

Day -27

No.

I will not add that extra week onto the countdown. Sure, I might be submitting two weeks after the date I set, but I am determined to have it ready in 27 days and have two weeks to make it look nice etc. 

I don’t have that much more to do. My supervisor has taken into account the fact I have a life and that I prioritise family over work. It is really not the done thing these days if you want to be taken seriously, but when was I ever taken seriously? That and I just awoke from a nightmare where I was dead and I still hadn’t finished the project. The dream was more involved but essentially it told me a few things:

1) I really want this project to be over and get my degree. 

2)It doesn’t matter that I’ve never really had a real career. 

3)it also doesn’t matter that I am living in outer suburbia where nothing happens and job prospects are seemingly few.

4)I am not one of those women who can multitask and mother plus have a real job. 

5)it’s okay that I don’t really have a thing. Staying alive is my thing. You’d think having nearly died a few times would put things into perspective.

So I’m not going to keep questioning why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m going to stop playing the sliding doors game. Here are the things I didn’t do and possibly should have:

1) been more responsible with money

2) taken study and  work more seriously

3) seen a therapist at an earlier age

4) not blown my savings on travel

But this is all in light of having a kid and school zones. That’s  what makes me feel that I have stuffed up in some way. I only feel this way because I had an illness that has taken seven years to recover from and left me with some  disability in terms of physical stamina. 

I’ve done okay considering. I managed  to achieve the goal I set for myself before I got sick  in terms of being in a position where I can work in a decent casual position at an university. I achieved that within a couple of years of the transplant and am only not working at the moment because I want to finish the thesis asap.

Maybe nothing ever feels legit once I achieve it because I don’t take myself seriously. I know someone who sells water  with a few droplets of essential oils and makes a decent living off that b.s. – not to people who want to use organic cleaners just get a bottle of eucalyptus oil from chemist warehouse and a spray bottle. Fill spray bottle with water. Put some oil in bottle. It’s more effective than the bs being sold to stay at home mothers for hundreds of $$$

I’ll probably regret posting this when I wake up later this morning. 

I had a chat with a friend who is doing what I’m doing, ie attempting to do things earnestly for a change. She also was a let’s just fly by the seat of my pants type when she was younger and did enough to get by. We spoke about how we have both been paralysed by fear of failure. It’s so hard overcoming that fixed mindset.

Goodness. It’s nearly 5am. I need  to get some sleep. I had the idea to just rewrite the chapter I just got feedback for, but I think sleep is more important.