Day -27

No.

I will not add that extra week onto the countdown. Sure, I might be submitting two weeks after the date I set, but I am determined to have it ready in 27 days and have two weeks to make it look nice etc. 

I don’t have that much more to do. My supervisor has taken into account the fact I have a life and that I prioritise family over work. It is really not the done thing these days if you want to be taken seriously, but when was I ever taken seriously? That and I just awoke from a nightmare where I was dead and I still hadn’t finished the project. The dream was more involved but essentially it told me a few things:

1) I really want this project to be over and get my degree. 

2)It doesn’t matter that I’ve never really had a real career. 

3)it also doesn’t matter that I am living in outer suburbia where nothing happens and job prospects are seemingly few.

4)I am not one of those women who can multitask and mother plus have a real job. 

5)it’s okay that I don’t really have a thing. Staying alive is my thing. You’d think having nearly died a few times would put things into perspective.

So I’m not going to keep questioning why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m going to stop playing the sliding doors game. Here are the things I didn’t do and possibly should have:

1) been more responsible with money

2) taken study and  work more seriously

3) seen a therapist at an earlier age

4) not blown my savings on travel

But this is all in light of having a kid and school zones. That’s  what makes me feel that I have stuffed up in some way. I only feel this way because I had an illness that has taken seven years to recover from and left me with some  disability in terms of physical stamina. 

I’ve done okay considering. I managed  to achieve the goal I set for myself before I got sick  in terms of being in a position where I can work in a decent casual position at an university. I achieved that within a couple of years of the transplant and am only not working at the moment because I want to finish the thesis asap.

Maybe nothing ever feels legit once I achieve it because I don’t take myself seriously. I know someone who sells water  with a few droplets of essential oils and makes a decent living off that b.s. – not to people who want to use organic cleaners just get a bottle of eucalyptus oil from chemist warehouse and a spray bottle. Fill spray bottle with water. Put some oil in bottle. It’s more effective than the bs being sold to stay at home mothers for hundreds of $$$

I’ll probably regret posting this when I wake up later this morning. 

I had a chat with a friend who is doing what I’m doing, ie attempting to do things earnestly for a change. She also was a let’s just fly by the seat of my pants type when she was younger and did enough to get by. We spoke about how we have both been paralysed by fear of failure. It’s so hard overcoming that fixed mindset.

Goodness. It’s nearly 5am. I need  to get some sleep. I had the idea to just rewrite the chapter I just got feedback for, but I think sleep is more important.

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