I will not have time to work on my thesis until my husband returns. I might be able to squeeze in two days in the second week of the holidays but that’s about it.
Kid is doing well and there are only 22 days until hubby returns.
I still have the rusty orchestra tunes in my head. I haven’t found time to replace the tubing on my shoulder rest. I have one useless spare shoulder rest and one missing spare one. I also need a new bow if I’m to continue playing.
I was feeling defeated by distance as I live in lower socioeconomic outer suburbia. It’s hardly the slums but it is a fair distance from the closest community orchestra. A friend and a friend in a dream suggested I start a group. I’ve managed to find a local music teacher who is open to idea of forming a chamber trio or quartet. I don’t have a lot of time so I’m really hoping we find a local cello player. I need to practice regularly to get to the standard I was once at and feel that I can do it if I have a group to play with. I love playing so much.
At 40 I just do things that make me happy and it’s only at 40 I know what makes me happy.
1) I like playing music with others. I could never have been a virtuoso. I love the group aspect of music and not just connecting with an audience but with fellow players.
2) Teaching – but not anything technical and this includes teaching music and languages. I like ideas. I loved teaching this past semester because there were many philosophical discussions to be had.
3) I like teaching older teenagers. Some give you hope that there is a future and the kid won’t grow up in a soulless, let’s just rape the earth and think of humans only as consumers dystopian world.
4)Being kid’s parent
5)Hanging with friends – Some of this through the phone as I live a fair distance from the people I love. But there’s nothing like an in person catch up.
6) meeting new people with similar interests.
I realise now that I’ve never found a “thing” because most of the things I love have no status in our society (teaching/motherhood/arts). Moreover, I lacked self-confidence. I have no idea why I did. As an older person I want to shake my teenage self and say, wake up you silly girl! Look at all that you have! Of course, I would also give her some antibiotics to clear up her skin and arrange more meetings with her clueless teachers.
I guess I get to do for my kid what my parents were unable to do for me. In that sense I feel like I’ve done well in life.
I don’t have a seemingly endless road ahead of me. I am beginning to look middle-aged – no injectables for me!
Things I will do in the next three months:
1) complete thesis
2) adopt a stray cat
3) start a local music group
4) be a present (in body and mind) mother
5) plan a “I turned 40 last year” party – maybe. I’m terrible with parties. I have a fear that no one will show up. A hang up from going to school with mean girls.
Many of my friends have taken this long to get over the trauma of school. I think that’s why we worry about sending them to the wrong school or not being able to move to a better school zone etc…